Today is my twenty-sixth birthday. Whom I am at age twenty-six is largely a work in progress, continuing on the path I started twelve months ago for my last birthday. I set goals at that time to lose weight and improve my body by Paleo and CrossFit, to improve my professional life by transitioning out of retail into banking, and to set up some momentum such that by age 30 I would be living comfortably in New York City, doing a job that I like, happy, and in a better place. 

I've made so many good changes this past year by following through on the promises I made to myself on my last birthday. I've been fairly strict with my paleo diet and have lost somewhere in the range of 30-45 pounds as a result. I wasn't able to go to CrossFit consistently because I was literally too sad at times to get out of bed, but the therapy skills I've been working on this summer have really gotten me to a place where I'm optimistic about my ability to reliably attend CrossFit three to four times per week. I'm very optimistic about the way my body could look, this time next year, if I can follow through and be consistent with eating healthy and working out. I did not do very much physical activity at all during my college years, so I'm excited to get my body into the best shape that it's been really since my freshman year of high school when I was running a five minute mile. Even my approach to and interpretation of paleo has been different. I started out just making paleo substitutions for normal things, e.g. almond flour based pancakes with heavy dousings of maple syrup: 53g of carbs and sugar per serving. A typical breakfast for me nowadays involves avocado, bananas, and almond milk hot chocolate because I'm that kind of person.

Career life is interesting. I'm working forty hours a week in a bank, but I'm also basically working twenty-five to thirty hours a week in retail at Polo Ralph Lauren. My Ralph Lauren checks go straight to a separate bank account to pay my tuition expenses for Georgetown. I'm working very hard on education and certifications, so I can get to the sectors of the banking and finance industry where you can actually earn horseloads of money, with potentially no ceiling. I spent most of the past year working on my GMAT and on admission to Georgetown, and now I'm working on my CFA, graduate degree, and DALF certification in the French language. I know that my sense of dissatisfaction with my current cirumstances sets me apart from my other coworkers and makes it hard for me to bond with them in probably the way that would be ideal. I really want to put an emphasis, however, on not blaming myself for the aspects of my life that are lackluster. That's one of the lessons I've gleaned from therapy. Believe in yourself, love yourself, and assertively advocate for what you want in life. What I want in life is to reconnect, as much as possible, with the life track that I was born into, that I kind of rebelliously swerved off of when I moved to Utah and converted to Mormonism, and that I'm working very, very hard to get back onto. I don't think lowly of any of my associates, but I do think highly of the life path I know that I've diverged from. That's a very dialectical statement, but it must be true--I want it to be true. I passionately want my life to be different, but that does not mean I have personal disdain toward my present community. 

By age 30, I very well could be living in New York City, if I want to. Or any city. It's really just up to me. I think one thing I struggle with right now is accepting that as hard and as productive as this one year has been, it still will probably take several more years of the same kind of progress--probably accelerated now that therapy is giving me some control over my sadness--before I will have created the kind of life that I really want for myself. Staying in Utah for at least two more years would probably be wise. Two years from now, when I've graduated from my master's program, would be a great opportunity for a clean break from Utah and moving somewhere. I've loosely considered moving to Washington DC for my second year of school, but I don't know that that's anything more than a pipe dream right now. A year is a long, long time, and I'm about to begin another one. 

I have two, potentially three, birthday parties planned for this year, which is a big improvement from last year. So hurray for that.

I overcame a major fear of mine and went back into the CrossFit gym this week. I went Monday and again Tuesday. It's my intention to go Wednesday and Thursday too. I'm motivated by a desire to have the body I want. Let's keep going.

I'm grateful for my two amazing jobs--Wells Fargo and Polo Ralph Lauren.

Wells Fargo feels almost most like a passion or a hobby at times than like a job. I love going there to stretch my mind, exercise compassion for individuals and families, and learn more about finance every single day.

Polo Ralph Lauren is where I go to earn money to pay for Georgetown. It's cool to be able to pay for tution while interacting with fun, motivated people like Hunter and Marshall. It's also cool to have managers who understand how important school is to me and who are willing to give me as many hours as I need this summer, so I can keep up to pace with my saving goals.

I ought to go to bed now though. Talk to you later.

Something that I am becoming passionate about, equally as much as I am passionate about paleo, is dialectical behavior therapy. It is an equally important part of my health.

Dialectical behavior therapy is the only clincally proven way to cure borderline personality disorder. It involves a variety of journaling practices and thought exercises that are designed to teach you how to keep your emotions in a moderate happy medium, how to put fear in its proper box of context, and how to function in life. It involves learning how to be more assertive, when appropriate. It involves learning how to improve your physical health. It involves learning how to master new skills and hobbies that help you build your sense of yourself as a full, complete person. It involves things that probably come naturally to neurotyical people but that people with BPD need to explicitly be told and taught and need to practice.

I am making so much progress in therapy. The differences in conduct and character from the start of this month, when I was so sad I literally couldn't get out of bed, to today, when I was able to play lacrosse with some degree of spirit and vigor and when I was able to step back into my CrossFit gym, feels very rewarding. I still have a long way to go in terms of my self-development, but today was a very good sign that things are improving and getting better.